Throwback Thursdays: 11-Month Old Duke

Remember this little guy? I know, I know. That was me 5 whole months ago. Which, in toddler time, is a long time ago.

Remember this little guy? I know, I know. That was me 5 whole months ago. I know, you’re like, big deal, 5 months. That’s 1/3 of my life, bro. Do the math.

It's like I didn't even know what cake was, or that you're supposed to loudly yell nonsense syllables like "BLAG!" until someone realizes that BLAG! means "Give me cake now!" and brings you a cake immediately, if not sooner.

It’s like I didn’t even know what cake was, or that you’re supposed to loudly yell nonsense syllables like “BLAG!” until someone realizes that BLAG! means “Give me cake now!” and brings you a cake immediately, if not sooner.

I didn't know that you didn't have to sit still. Not even for a second! You don't work for Mama; she works for you.

I was so naive, I didn’t even know that you didn’t have to sit still. Not even for a second! You don’t work for Mama; she works for you.

Then again, I was pretty carefree then. I didn't care whose foot got covered in frosting! Or whose chair! Or who had to clean it up!

Then again, I was also pretty carefree. I didn’t care whose foot got covered in frosting (mine). Or whose chair (also mine). Or who had to clean it up. (Um, not me.)

Seriously, I almost fell off that chair I was laughing so hard.

It was a simpler time. Look at 11-month old me. A prince.

This is Mama trying to shame me. Jokes on you, Mama, because look at those pictures of Bert behind us. That's right, 12 framed photos of Bert, one for each month old. "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have one or two children?" ANSWER THE QUESTION, MA'AM! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, MAMA?! I MEAN MA'AM!

This is Mama trying to shame me. Jokes on you, Mama, because look at those pictures of Bert behind us. That’s right, 12 framed photos of Bert, one for each month old. “Pardon me, ma’am, do you have one or two children?” ANSWER THE QUESTION, MA’AM! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, MAMA?! I MEAN MA’AM!

Ask Hazy: Episode 3, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Kid”

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Making a sun? Easy.

Making a sun? Easy.

Miss Valenti asked me what’s the hardest part about being a kid. I guess I could have said:
– not being able to reach things like the light switch or the animal crackers
– not being able to listen to what I want to listen to ALL THE TIME (Why, Mama? Why can’t we listen to Supercalifragicks on non-stop repeat? WHY?)
– not being able to exclusively eat pancakes, whipped cream, sprinkles, cake, Crazy Bugs™, and cheese sticks
– not being able to zip up my jacket without help
– having to take a nap even when I’m NOT TIRED
– having Mama put me to bed when I clearly stated Dada will be putting me to bed
– not being able to put my own toothpaste, and lots of it, on my own toothbrush
– being scared of monsters
– not being able to drink wine (Mama seems to think it’s pretty awesome)

But that’s not the answer I went with. This is.

Ask Hazy: Episode 2 “Finances”

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Bert ponders your latest queries.

Bert ponders your latest queries.

I’m back with my second episode. Today’s show is about money, which I know a little something about from my jobs as store owner, dishwasher, and chef. My store mainly sells jewelry, magnetic letters and numbers, and hair accessories, and most of the time, we will give you your money back with purchase (it’s a complicated business model, you wouldn’t understand). My dishwasher job pays “one hour” (again, don’t ask), and the specialities in my restaurant are sushi soup and mushroom with bologna. I usually wear a princess dress to work and loudly pronounce, “I’m going to work! I’ll be home by 6!”, because that’s what businesswomen do. (Right, mama? Right?)

A very special thank you to Mr. Holloway, who composed my theme song. I like it almost as much as Brass Monkey!

Anyway, you’re welcome for this financial advice.
– Bert

Ask George

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Oh so Bert gets a show and I don’t? Not on my watch! Bert already gets to eat the gummi bear vitamins and hogs all the bath crayons and face forward in the car.

Here’s my show. Don’t call it a spinoff. I’m not the Joey to her Friends; I’m not the Lisa Bonet to her Keshia Knight-Pulliam. How do I know these references? Don’t worry about it.
Instead, watch “Ask George” and admit it’s just as good, if not better than “Ask Hazy”.

Ask Hazy: Episode 1 “Cereals”

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In which Hazy (aka, Bert) answers your most important questions, such as, “Which is a better cereal: Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs?”.
Special thanks to Joseph Holloway for the show idea and submitting this great question. Special apologies to Joseph Holloway if producers got his question wrong because said producers were too lazy to look back in the Facebook archives.

Nemo: It’s Not Just The Name Of A Character In A Movie We’re Too Young To Understand

So we had a big snowstorm last week; it was named Nemo. “Oh, like in Finding Nemo?” We don’t know what you’re talking about unless Nemo is a princess (Bert) or plays in the NFL (Duke). Seriously, that’s the extent of our TV/movie knowledge. Anyway, here we discuss the highs and lows of our wintry weekend, in the form of this photo essay.

Bert: I helped with the shoveling.
Duke: I was still putting on my snowsuit (these things take time).

Bert: Yeah, I guess it takes you a while to put on those PINK gloves.
Duke: Yes, yes it does.

Bert: Why back-to-back? Because it’s fun!
Duke: And because then the me one of us doesn’t fall over and cry while the you one of us laughs!

Bert: I heart snow, just like my gloves say!
Duke: If my gloves had words, they’d say, “I’m cold and I have snot frozen to my face and I’d rather be playing the spaghetti throwing game in Chair.”

Bert: You can’t see me because I’m hiding in a snow hole here!
Duke: I’m still thinking about the spaghetti throwing game here and getting increasingly angry.

Bert: Beatzie loves playing in the snow more than anything.
Duke: Incorrect. She likes the spaghetti throwing game more than playing in the snow.

Bert: Mama and I made a snowman and we named it lollipop.
Duke: Suckers. I was inside playing the animal cracker throwing game.

Bert: Admit it, Duke, you started liking the snow.
Duke: No. Okay, fine. Wheeeeee! Wheeee-enough. Spaghetti throwing time.