Kids make life more exciting. Fact. So, it’s our job to keep life interesting for Mama and Dada. Here are a few of our techniques.
The bathtub is slippery and Mama only has two hands. She has to be quick and catch you if you slip. This is like Whack-a-Mole for her. Make it fun! When one of you slips, the other should make sure he or she is teetering around precariously on the small part of the tub that doesn’t have the bath mat on it. Also, when Mama rinses your hair, always say the first bucket is too hot and the second is too cold. No matter what.
The car is full of opportunities to make things fun for your parents. First of all, music. These suckers have made us 10 CDs probably. But we demand the same one and the same song all the time. How many times can they listen to “This is the real life” before they break? Only one way to find out. Secondly, “drop” stuff. Yell “Steve! Steve!” hysterically over and over until someone contorts themselves to get you your Scuba Steve and his little cage and then promptly drop it again. Recommence screaming. If you’re older, like Bert, you can continuously insist on bringing stuff in the car (trust us, they have no time for whining in the am; they’re very pliable between 7:45 and 8:30) and then “drop” it. Remember, every time you drop something, you want them to just pick up this one thing. It’s like a 12-step program. One drop at a time.
Your parents don’t want to do everything for you. They want to watch you blossom into your own person. For their excitement, insist on doing EVERYTHING on your own. Putting on your own toothpaste, brushing your own teeth, getting in and out of your car seat, getting down highly breakable glassware from high shelves, etc. If, at any point, they tell you you can’t do it on your own, scream inconsolably and lash out physically. You don’t want their lives to be boring, do you?
– Bert & Duke