Musica is what we call music class, by the way. Our particular kind of musica is called Music Together. You might know it for its famous song, “Hello, Everybody”, which you make your parents play on repeat one million times in a row by demanding, “hello again” and pointing to the CD player while clarifying, “CD”, until they relent.
1) Know all the songs (remember what we just taught you about saying “hello again”) but whatever you do, don’t sing a single word in class.
2) But what do we do while everyone else is singing, Bert & Duke? Easy.
Bert: Dance around the room. Make sure to dance right up into the music teacher’s face until awkward fear-laughter ensues. Plop yourself down on your mom’s lap, and then your dad’s. Always try to sit on the same side of the same lap that your brother is sitting on. This forces your parents to choose a favorite.
Duke: Try to get into the Forbidden Carpeted Wall Section. You know there are treasures behind there! Try to climb up it, see if there’s a chance you can make it teeter threateningly. Touch other babies’ hair. Go grab your shoes, your sister’s shoes, your mom’s shoes, or a complete stranger’s shoes. Bring them to your mom to make it look like she’s set up some elaborate shoe-stealing ring. Poop your pants.
3) They’re bringing out colored scarves!
I’ll take this one, Duke. Take all the pink scarves. Then, take all. the. scarves. Take them from babies, take them from Duke. When your mom pries them out of your clenched fists, throw yourself down on the ground in the middle of the circle of stunned babies and horrified parents and start sobbing. When your mom puts you in time out in the corner, start sobbing so loudly that no one can hear “Old Brass Wagon” and everyone secretly suspects your mom is Cinderella’s stepmother (and most likely, that you’re Cinderella).
4) And now they’re bringing out the instruments!
Bert: take the drums. All of them. After the other kids have selected their instruments, decide you want whatever they took. Surreptitiously take other kids’ instruments when they’re not looking, so Mama has to try to return them without the parents noticing.
Duke: cry when Bert takes your drum. Put the instruments in your mouth. Reinforce Mama’s thought that she should get a tattoo that says, “What did I say about putting that in your mouth?!” Now’s a good time to steal some more shoes. Poop if you haven’t pooped already.
5) Go time
Bert: Pretend you can’t find your shoes. Try to leave a water bottle behind.
Duke: Well, you’ve already got your shoes, and several other people’s shoes in your hands. Once you get out to the parking lot, try to make a break for the street. Cry when they pick you up. Remember, when you get in the car, “hello again”. “CD”.
– Bert & Duke