Ask Hazy Episode 8: On Cheese & Its Potential Depression

Guys, we’re back on track with Episode 8. This episode’s question came from friend of the show, Anne A, and concerns a subject that’s very, very, very important to me and Duke: cheese. Duke and I eat three kinds of cheese: American, string, and Opa (which you may call “cheddar”). Sometimes I ask Mama if we can have cheese & crackers, but guess what? I never eat the crackers. What’s the point? They’re not cheese. If you so much as mention the word cheese, you better have some on your person or Duke will cut you. And I’ll be the one handing him the knife. Anyway, I digress.
Anne A asks, “Do you think cheese ever gets sad and wants to get left alone?”. I think you’ll see from my response that I feel pretty strongly about this issue.

What else would you like to ask me, about cheese or other things? Ask in the comments section please.
-Bert

Ask Hazy: Episode 7, “Hey, watch out for that shark, Fonz- I mean, Hazy!”

You know, even Arrested Development had some off episodes (Season 4, Episode 3, cough cough). And guest stars are always hard to coordinate. Fortunately, ours was the lovely and brilliant Charlotte S-S, who not only wrote her own name card, but had the grace to step off screen after asking her question.

True confession time: one, I was not a buddy and instead of sharing my many devious techniques of convincing my parents to let me do inappropriate things, like, say, eat cotton candy for breakfast, I hoo-ha blocked her and sing-sang “no movies” while holding a fake sushi knife. That was weird. Two, I lied. I don’t even like hamburgers. I guess I don’t like sharing the spotlight. Sorry, Charlotte S-S. Real answers after the video.

1) “How do I convince my parents to let me watch Austin Powers?”
How do you convince your parents to do anything? It’s kind of a long con, but step 1) get them sleep deprived. You know how to do it. 2) wait for a special occasion (Mother’s Day, Flag Day, your half-birthday, National Ice Cream Day), and 3) negotiate (Will you eat a piece of broccoli? Will you clean your room? Will you not put maple syrup in your hair for one fudging second? Remember, you don’t have to actually do any of these things, just say that you will.)
2) “Do you like hamburgers or pizza better?”
Pizza! By a mile. Like I said, I don’t even like hamburgers.

Do you have a question you’d like to submit to Ask Hazy? Put them in the comments section below and we may feature them on a future episode.

– Bert

For Grammy

Hey guess what? If Grammy hadn’t gotten us a double stroller, we’d have to rely on Mama and Dada carrying us around everywhere and then we’d probably go nowhere. And if Grammy hadn’t bought us our snowsuits and tutus and tiaras, we’d have no snowsuits or tutus or tiaras. So without Grammy, we’d be shut ins with no fun dress up clothes. Or princess tea sets. Or vehicles. With tears in all our clothes. Basically, Grammy’s one of the best things that ever happened to us.
We talked to Grammy in the car this morning, and she’s not feeling well. So, this one’s for you, Grammy:


(Please note: Duke doesn’t take his bobo out for just anyone, and Dada rarely makes a guest singing appearance.)

And if that doesn’t cheer you up, here are some ways your day could be worse:

You could be quarantined in the kiddie pool with your mom because you're not allowed near the food table due to your "blue buddy" addiction.

You could be quarantined in the kiddie pool with your mom because you’re not allowed near the food table due to your “blue buddy” addiction.

You could've just realized that this kid got the juice box you wanted.

You could’ve just realized that this kid got the juice box you wanted.

You could have to wait 10 seconds to get your popsicle because you're the little brother and Haha asked first.

You could have to wait 10 seconds to get your popsicle because you’re the little brother and Haha asked first.

You could've just gotten busted trying to blame Jack for throwing the sand when everyone saw you do it.

You could’ve just gotten busted trying to blame Jack for throwing the sand when everyone saw you do it.

You could've torn out a bunch of your hair with sticker paper because everyone cheered when your brother did it so you had to do it.

You could’ve torn out a bunch of your hair with sticker paper because everyone cheered when your brother did it so you had to do it.

We love you! Feel better.
– Bert & Duke

Typical Morning

Check it!

Check it!


I’m reviewing this important document about checks, telling Mama which ones are my favorite and which ones have Cinderella and how I want to bring it to Show & Tell. – Bert

I’m fascinated by whatever that is that Haha has. Also, I’m yelling, “cheeries!” like there’s a fire and cheeries are 9-1-1 until Dada brings me more cheeries (you know, the fruit with the stems and the pits that your parents cut out). – Duke

Guys, I’m all grown up.

And to prove it, here is a video of me on my 3rd birthday (i.e. when I was a little kid) talking like a BABY:

And here is one of me on my 4th birthday, talking life and marriage and comedy like a big kid.

Fart!
– Bert

p.s. The idea of doing an annual interview came from Mama’s friend Alyson. On my 4th birthday, Mama couldn’t find the 3rd birthday video, which is why the questions aren’t the same. Or even similar. Producers have assured me that next year, we will be back on track with some consistent questioning.