Today I want to talk to you about whoopee cushions, or as I call them, fart cushions. Fart cushions are the greatest thing ever invented. They are the cause of the greatest joy that you will ever know in your 21 months of life.
But they’re not all fun and games. Let’s say you’ve spent two straight hours yelling, “Fart!” and laughing hysterically, attempting to sit on the fart cushion, pushing it on your head, pressing it against your belly, stepping on it, and dare I say, stomping on it. Let’s say you stomped on it a little too hard. And by a little too hard, I mean so hard that you tore it a new fart hole. And despite what you may have thought/hoped, having a new fart hole does not make it fart louder. Instead, it makes the fart cushion not. fart. at all. Then, all of a sudden, the fart cushion is not as great as you thought it was. It’s the crusher of all your hopes and dreams (of farts), the Oliver to your Brady Bunch, the Speidi to your Lauren, the unironic ra-ay-ay-in on your wedding day. The fart cushion is the worst thing in the entire world.
Some say I farted too much, too hard. But it is better to have farted once than to have never farted at all.