So apparently, I’m a “loser”.

So I didn’t win that big superhero contest. Some kid named “House Destroyer” who thinks it’s a super power to mess up a room won. If I’d known that was a thing, I’d of cleaned up (opposite of pun intended).
To make myself feel better, I’m gonna share some of my alter super egos, each of which would have surely destroyed the House Destroyer.

Squid Cupcake's super powers include dragon sandals.

Squid Cupcake’s super powers include dragon sandals.

Sticker Face's powers are pretty self-explanatory.

Sticker Face’s powers are pretty self-explanatory.

Hamper Girl terrifies parents with her super "bad influence" powers. Her catchphrase is, "Now you try it!".

Hamper Girl terrifies parents with her super “bad influence” powers. Her catchphrase is, “Now you try it!”.

I don’t want to sound like a sore loser, but, poopy face on you, House Destroyer!

– Bert

Ask Hazy Episode 9: Pizza & Self-Control

Guys, sorry the show’s been on hiatus for so long. I won’t bore you with the production problems we’ve been having, but mainly they concern issues with our producer/director. I won’t name names. It rhymes with “Blama” though and she’s somewhere around here so I’ve already said too much. Also, I’ve been pretty busy with my fashion line, restaurant business, and parenting of Justin Steven Beyoncé, Purple Baby, Sweet Pea, and Red Sox Baby.

Anyway, we’re back! This episode’s question comes from good friend of the show (and its composer!), Joseph H. And it’s about pizza, which I love and Duke inexplicably doesn’t like. This morning, Duke found a dried up piece of something on his copy of Goodnight Moon and attempted to eat it. But pizza? “No like.”

Watch EPISODE 9 here.

Now that we’re back in production, we’re ready to take your questions. Add them in the comments please.

Also, should we do an outtakes reel?


I’m kind of a big deal.

Have you guys heard of

You know, the inventor of Baby Mugging™? (It’s seriously trademarked now, just like Hot Pockets™ and Fig Newtons™.)

I did it.

I did it.

Duke did it.

Duke did it.

And even my alter ego, Apathy Girl, did it.

And even my alter ego, Apathy Girl, did it.

Who’s Apathy Girl? It’s me! Bert!

Yep, I'm a super hero now.

Yep, I’m a super hero now.

Mommyshorts made me into a super hero. Well, I made me into a superhero by wearing my princess cape and my candy corn costume and my fuggs and my Free Family Fun Day sunglasses, but mommyshorts gave me the cool superhero treatment. I have another superhero persona, Squid Cupcake, but apparently, Squid Cupcake does not have the super powers that Apathy Girl has.

Sometimes I wish I really was Apathy Girl because then I wouldn’t care so much about so many things, like which Band Aid we put on my boo boos (I’m going to give the Sponge Bob ones away to kids who don’t have any Band Aids), who put the toothpaste on my toothbrush (it should always be me, for the record), whether or not Duke said we were driving a truck (“We’re not driving a truck, Duke!”), the fact that we left Justin Steven Beyoncé at school over the weekend (sob), or getting my “Turtley Awesome” cup instead of my “Butterfly Awesome” one (Turtley Awesome really says that on it; Butterfly Awesome actually just has a butterfly on it, but it’s pink and therefore awesome).

But for now, I’ll just enjoy the celebrity. If you want to vote for Apathy Girl, just click like on my picture on Facebook (right here). But know that if you don’t, Apathy Girl doesn’t care.

Bert kind of does though.

– Bert

UPDATE: I’m in the Top 12. No big deal. (Big deal!) Keep on voting, like you’re Frank the Tank with trucking.