I’m so old, I didn’t even have a bounce house party this year. I had a spy party, and my secret agent name was Chief Agent and Georgie’s was Agent Junior and we talked on walkie talkies and saved Princess BooBooButt’s royal jewels.

Here’s some other stuff that I do now that I’m 7:

• I read chapter books, like Stink and the Incredible Super-Galactic Jawbreaker.
• I play on a big kid soccer team with real games and everything, and I take it pretty seriously, unlike some people (cough, cough, Navy Blueberries).
• I’m more sensible now. That’s why I want to be an accountant (thanks, Game of Life!) instead of a lion.
• I chew gum, but very, very quietly because Mama has misophonia.
• I’ve got a better toy than dada now.
• I have a job and I make $7/week (I got a raise!).
• I grumble about my job a lot, mostly the bathroom cleaning part and the table setting part.
• My life may not be a consistent 10 out of 10 anymore, instead it ranges from -55 to 18,000-million.

For more, see my latest video:

Guys, it’s been a while since the highly anticipated Season 2 launch of Ask Hazy. We’ve been in production on new episodes for quite a bit, and I think this one is timely. I’ll cut to the chase: I’d make a great president.

You can learn more about my platform in Episode 2: President Hazy.

-Bert

Mama asked if we had any New Year’s resolutions; we said no. Then she asked if we knew what resolutions meant; we said no. Now we know and we made some.

Hazy:

1. I want to learn how to ride my bike without training wheels.

Imagine these training wheels weren’t here. Pretty cool, right?

2. I also want to ride the city bus to school. Mama says I’ve already done this, but these are my resolutions and this is our blog, so FACE.

George:

1. I want to learn to draw.

I mean, I can draw, but maybe could do better. (These are smiley faces.)

2. I also want to learn to rip pages out of coloring books, which sounds oddly specific but we were in the car at the time and I had just demonstrated my complete lack of skill at ripping pages out of coloring books, so yeah.

Mama also suggested some other resolutions for us, namely being nicer to each other and trying more new foods, but we’ll stick to the above. Thanks anyway, Mama.

Happy New Year, everybody!

-Bert & Duke

Do you remember what it was like when you were 4? I do, because I am. It’s a pretty exciting age, because you can do EVERYTHING yourself, including PUTTING ON YOUR OWN TOOTHPASTE, GETTING YOUR OWN WATER OUT OF THE FRIDGE DISPENSER, USING A KNIFE, and yelling at your parents about how you can indeed do all these things BY YOURSELF. Also, I can read, or a tleast fake it really, really well based on the powers of memorization and train passion.

Here’s where I tell you everything you need to know about my life: 

In case you wondered, this is what little 3-year old me had to say about similar topics. And here’s what Bert was like when she was 4.

-George (Duke), Age 4

You read that right. This was the last known picture taken of me when I was three:

I was so young then.

I wanted a Frozen Jakomas and his Neverland Pirate Railway Friends themed party with a bumblebee cake (naturally), but since Mama failed to find that specific Pinterest board, we went with a Minions theme for my party.

First, we played Pin The Party Hat on the Minion, which is about as cool as it sounds, except you have to admit the blindfold was pretty sweet.

Then we had Magic Mike come, but not that Magic Mike. This Mike was from Abrakidabra, and he was pretty hilarious. He did real magic, like swapping peanut butter and jelly jars and making coins come out of Evie’s ears, but also silly magic, like putting a diaper on my head and calling it a magic hat.

I got to be an assistant!

Nothing magic about this hat, except if you put it in the washing machine.
[DON’T DO THAT.]

I know what you’re thinking: kids laugh at everything. But come on, diaper on my head? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Diaper. On. My. Head. Still laughing.

That’s not all we did though.

We “became” Minions, and by that I mean we stuck our faces in this opening, not that we served anyone in any way.

My buddy Quentin and I blew these things at each other.

Eliot attacked Sean-O with this punch-it balloon.

Then we all attacked Sean-O with our bodies and ignored Mama yelling, “Don’t rip Sean-O’s shirt!”

We had bah-nah-nah splits. That’s how the minions say it.

Except for one kid whose ice cream got infected by banana-flavor.

And, you better believe I ate that cake. Even if it wasn’t a bumblebee.

Thanks for the “help”, “friends”, but I’m cool being the only one spitting all over my cake.

Believe it or not, that was just the day before my birthday. On my actual birthday, Hazelbert got up early to make me breakfast.

She made my favorite: Opa’s Eggies.

Grammy stayed over, just so she could give me a smooch. (Okay, and hang out.)

Dada did this. Yikes, Dada.

And I got my presents from Mama, Dada, and Hazy which included train tracks, a train book, a Jake doll, a Hazy original painting, and a smooch.

I’ll be filming my 4th Birthday interview as soon as the producers get their acts together. Let me know if there’s anything you want to know about 4-year old me, besides whether or not I’m still awesome. (I am.

-Duke

It’s been a while since we’ve done a fashion show. Here we are modeling our back to school clothes:

Our runway walks are totally self-taught, btw. America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 36, anyone?

-Bert & Duke

We’re meeting a new baby friend this weekend! His name’s Baby A and he’s less than one year old, so that’s like being zero years old. We picked out some of our favorite old baby books to give to him.

Duke’s favorite: Good Night Moon
I used to call this “Pigeons”; I never told anyone why. Mama asked why it was my favorite; I said, “I love when…I don’t know, I just love it.” Mama does not love it, and she cites the creepy old bunny lady as reason #1. – Duke

Bert’s favorite: Blue Hat, Green Hat
“Because it’s so silly” – Bert

Other commentary:
Yum Yum Dim Sum:
“Baby A might not like it when he’s a baby, but he might like it when he grows up.” – Bert

Quiet Loud:
“Will this book be too loud for Baby A?” – Mama
“Yes” – Duke
“Maybe his mom can do a whisper for quiet and her regular voice for loud.” – Bert

No No Yes Yes:
“What will Baby A learn from this book?” – Mama
“To draw on the walls.” – Bert (you’re welcome, Baby A’s parents)

The Going To Bed Book:
“This book is called The Going To Bed Book, do you think it will help Baby A sleep better?” – Mama
“Yes!” – Bert and Duke (Hope this makes up for the drawing on the walls.)

Welcome to the wonderful world of reading, Baby A!

– Bert & Duke

It seems like just a couple of weeks ago that I was a little 5-year old. Now, I’m 6. I know God is a wizard, pasta is delicious, and marriage is overrated, even if you really like staring at a boy named Julian every single day at recess. Every day, I tell Mama about how I stared at Julian. She asks if it’s a game, or if it bothers Julian, but she doesn’t understand, that that’s just a thing I do. I know that making the world a better place is as simple as making fake ladybugs and hanging them in the sky, that someone needs to teach little kids how to paint inside the lines and that someone is me, and that everything is awesome, including the song Everything Is Awesome.

Let me expound a bit:

To see how much I’ve grown, here’s last year’s video, the year before, and God how long have I been doing this, the year before that.

But you’re never too old for a bounce house party, and here are a few shots from mine.

God, imagine how much I’ll know when I’m 7!

– Bert