Guys, I’m all grown up.

And to prove it, here is a video of me on my 3rd birthday (i.e. when I was a little kid) talking like a BABY:

And here is one of me on my 4th birthday, talking life and marriage and comedy like a big kid.

Fart!
– Bert

p.s. The idea of doing an annual interview came from Mama’s friend Alyson. On my 4th birthday, Mama couldn’t find the 3rd birthday video, which is why the questions aren’t the same. Or even similar. Producers have assured me that next year, we will be back on track with some consistent questioning.

Ask Hazy: Episode 6, “Boys”

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Kelly E and I both like fashion, boys, and sticking out our tongues in photos, so I guess I’m cool with her saying we’re Best Friends.
This week on the show, she asks, “How do I know if a boy really likes me?” Cher says it’s in his kiss, Whitney says don’t trust your feeling. Here’s my take.
Spoiler alert: I’m 3 1/2.
-Bert

A Very Special Episode (#4, if you’re keeping track) of Ask Hazy

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Marker Pants

Marker Pants

This will be even more special than when Punky Brewster said no to grass or when DJ went on that crash diet before Kimmy’s pool party. Why? Because it’s sponsored by my extremely awesome and one-in-a-two-million friend, Sienna. So, make sure you watch to the very end so you get all the specialness.

If you forgot to write down the name of Sienna’s Flower Garden page, here it is.

And, in case you were wondering:

Buckle My Shoe Dress (See? You have one already, Sienna.)

buckle my shoe dress (See? You have one already, Sienna.)


phone boots

phone boots


car socks

car socks (available in hearts or stars; you should wear hearts)

– Bert

Ask Hazy: Episode 2 “Finances”

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Bert ponders your latest queries.

Bert ponders your latest queries.

I’m back with my second episode. Today’s show is about money, which I know a little something about from my jobs as store owner, dishwasher, and chef. My store mainly sells jewelry, magnetic letters and numbers, and hair accessories, and most of the time, we will give you your money back with purchase (it’s a complicated business model, you wouldn’t understand). My dishwasher job pays “one hour” (again, don’t ask), and the specialities in my restaurant are sushi soup and mushroom with bologna. I usually wear a princess dress to work and loudly pronounce, “I’m going to work! I’ll be home by 6!”, because that’s what businesswomen do. (Right, mama? Right?)

A very special thank you to Mr. Holloway, who composed my theme song. I like it almost as much as Brass Monkey!

Anyway, you’re welcome for this financial advice.
– Bert

Ask George

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Oh so Bert gets a show and I don’t? Not on my watch! Bert already gets to eat the gummi bear vitamins and hogs all the bath crayons and face forward in the car.

Here’s my show. Don’t call it a spinoff. I’m not the Joey to her Friends; I’m not the Lisa Bonet to her Keshia Knight-Pulliam. How do I know these references? Don’t worry about it.
Instead, watch “Ask George” and admit it’s just as good, if not better than “Ask Hazy”.