Guess Who’s Six?

Guys, it’s been over a year since I turned 5, and you know what that means: cheese! (I celebrate everything with cheese; see the tablecloth for evidence.) Also, it means I just turned 6. And by “just,” I mean two and a half months ago because my ghost writer is slower than me putting on my shoes on a weekday morning.

Anyway, I’ve really matured as a young man, as you can see by this year’s interview:

 

Just kidding, I’m 6, guys. Here are a few things I feel pretty strongly about:

Pants. I know I’ve asked this before, but why do we have to wear them?

Star Wars. If the Imperial March isn’t the soundtrack to your life, then maybe you need to reexamine things. Think of how much more powerful you’d feel coloring, playing with Legos, jumping off the third stair, or (not) brushing your teeth with “Dun dun dun dun-ta dun, dun-ta DUN!” playing in the background. You’d probably be president by now instead of Dumbhead McPoopypants. Besides Star Wars’ music, I also like light sabers, my mini Darth Vader, Star Wars books (I can “read” Star Wars Rebels without even looking at the pages), and Star Wars themed foods, even though Mama insists they taste the same as their non-Star Wars themed equivalents.

Cheese. You know when the server at a restaurant is grating parmesan on your pasta and asks you to tell them when to stop? I STILL HAVEN’T TOLD THEM TO STOP.

Rosie. Rosie’s my dog and she’s the CUTEST. You have to say “CUTEST” in your highest voice because that’s how we talk about Rosie. She likes giving me kisses, right on the mouth. She also likes when I shriek, “ROSIEEEEEE!” and listening to the Imperial March, or at least, she hasn’t said otherwise.

Post Its. This is the #1 item on the Christmas wish list I sent to Santa. That and paper and tape. I like writing love letters (really short ones), drawing pictures (really small ones) and making books (really hard to read ones) on them.

Tablet Time. Tablet time is everything. I play Subway Surfer, Rolling Ball, and Candy Crush Saga. You know, educational games. Mama makes me read before I can have Tablet Time, so now I am pretty much Doogie Howser, only instead of being a doctor, I’ll be a Jedi, because all I read are Star Wars books. I have a Kindle but Hazy has a Leapfrog so she’s jealous, which is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

– Duke (George)

p.s. It’s me. I’m six.

p.p.s. Here’s what I was like when I was a little 4-year old.

p.p.p.s. And look at this drooling baby 3-year old me.

 

Welcome to The Show

What’s The Show, you ask? It’s a performance Duke and I put on pretty much anytime we’re in the Toy Pit for over an hour. The Show involves a lot of prep (costume design, ticket design and construction, ticket line construction, fighting over who gets to cut the tickets and who gets to give them out/collect them, announcing The Show). After our standard announcement, “Ladies & gentleman! Boys & girls of all ages!”, the actual Show usually then takes about 10 seconds, until we realize we have no actual performance prepared. But this last snow day, The Show really came together.
I think the key was having Duke run front-of-house/ticket management and also being somewhat loosy-goosy with the props. A Batman cape? Sure! A jumprope? Alright! A book? Why not? Ball? Toy dog? Pencil? Yes, yes and yes.
See for yourself:

Special thanks to our VIP guests, JD and Victoria. You were a great audience.

Also, I don’t care what Mama says, tights are totally pants.

– Bert

Bert & Duke cover band

Did you know we have a cover band? We’ll get back to you on the name. For now, we’re taking suggestions in the comments section.

Here we are warming up:

We perform mostly Disney songs, pop songs, and classics like Cherry Bomb and Brass Monkey. Occasionally/every day, we also sing reggae, specifically Bob Marley. Here’s a taste for ya.

Now technically, this is a kids’ song, but we think Steven (of “Sweet Emotion” fame) could definitely make this into a rock song:

This is kind of a kids’ song because Miley sings it and she’s a kid, and also because it has kiddie lyrics like “la di da di”:

We’ll let you know when our album drops.

– Bert & Duke

Bert & Duke: 2013 The Year in Review

Guys,

2013 was a pretty good year. Bert turned 4 with a bouncy house gala and Duke turned 2 in seersucker no less. Here are some of the highlights:

• We survived Hurricane Nemo in February! Bert thought it was fun; Duke did not.

• Also in February, the groundbreaking Ask Hazy Show premiered. Viewers have called it “cute” and “hilarious”, and frankly, are somewhat patronizing. (There are now 11 episodes!)

• Of course, then Duke tried to copy me with the Ask George show, which debuted to dismal ratings. [Duke’s note: we never gave it a chance to catch on with fans!]

• We realized we’re best friends!

• Duke revealed he’s got made skills with the sticks.

• We had our first Very Special Episode of the Ask Hazy show for my friend Sienna.

• We taught kids everywhere how to make life more interesting for their parents. You’re welcome, parents.

• We realized that with our modeling skills, we shouldn’t be getting out of bed for anything less than $10,000 or at least, like, 10 M&M’s.

• We gave some tips for cheering up Miss Dussia-Elliot or people with simpler names.

• We taught a class on dominating musica class.

• Everyone learned, don’t take Bert’s fork.

• We celebrated the best dad (around). Spoiler alert: it’s ours.

• We mourned the loss of a friend fart cushion.

• Bert reminisced to a simpler time, before Duke (!).

• Bert reached semi-international fame, thanks to mommyshorts.

• Duke tried (and failed) with another show. [Duke’s note: Come on!]

• We had a special guest star on the show. And by “the show”, obviously we mean Ask Hazy. [Duke’s note: no, we don’t!]

• Duke explained the deal with the bibs.

• Something beyond horrible happened to Bert.

Santa came! He failed to bring Halloween shoes or a real robot though.

Happy New Year!

– Bert & Duke

“That Way: Cooking with Duke”

Video

Guys, Hazelbert isn’t the only one with a TV show. Here’s the first (and let’s face it, probably only) episode of “That Way: Cooking With Duke”. Today, we’re cooking breakfast dishes. But wait ’til you see what comes out of the oven at the end! (Spoiler alert: I don’t know how spoiler alerts work.)
– Duke
p.s. Is it unappealing that the set has a giant trash can in the background?

It was the best of fart cushions; it was the worst of fart cushions.

IT ONLY COSTS $4 TO HAVE THE GREATEST FUN OF YOUR LIFE

IT ONLY COSTS $4 TO HAVE THE GREATEST FUN OF YOUR LIFE

Today I want to talk to you about whoopee cushions, or as I call them, fart cushions. Fart cushions are the greatest thing ever invented. They are the cause of the greatest joy that you will ever know in your 21 months of life.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:
IMG_5690

Exhibit C:
IMG_5695

But they’re not all fun and games. Let’s say you’ve spent two straight hours yelling, “Fart!” and laughing hysterically, attempting to sit on the fart cushion, pushing it on your head, pressing it against your belly, stepping on it, and dare I say, stomping on it. Let’s say you stomped on it a little too hard. And by a little too hard, I mean so hard that you tore it a new fart hole. And despite what you may have thought/hoped, having a new fart hole does not make it fart louder. Instead, it makes the fart cushion not. fart. at all. Then, all of a sudden, the fart cushion is not as great as you thought it was. It’s the crusher of all your hopes and dreams (of farts), the Oliver to your Brady Bunch, the Speidi to your Lauren, the unironic ra-ay-ay-in on your wedding day. The fart cushion is the worst thing in the entire world.

Exhibit 1:

WHY?

WHY?

Exhibit 2:

WHYYYY?!

WHYYYY?!

Exhibit 3:

WHY GOD WHYYYY?!

WHY GOD WHYYYY?!

Some say I farted too much, too hard. But it is better to have farted once than to have never farted at all.

– Duke