People have been throwing around the words “prodigy” and “rock star”, but I’m just a kid who likes to drum. In perfect rhythm. At the age of 17 months. I’m sorry I don’t have a “talk show” and I can’t “stop drooling” and I haven’t learned “complete sentences” besides “bye bye, Mama” or “cheese now!”. I bet you didn’t know how to drum like this before you were out of diapers, unless you’re Tommy Lee, in which case, “hi, Tommy Lee! Call me on my banana phone.”
Miss Valenti asked me what’s the hardest part about being a kid. I guess I could have said:
– not being able to reach things like the light switch or the animal crackers
– not being able to listen to what I want to listen to ALL THE TIME (Why, Mama? Why can’t we listen to Supercalifragicks on non-stop repeat? WHY?)
– not being able to exclusively eat pancakes, whipped cream, sprinkles, cake, Crazy Bugs™, and cheese sticks
– not being able to zip up my jacket without help
– having to take a nap even when I’m NOT TIRED
– having Mama put me to bed when I clearly stated Dada will be putting me to bed
– not being able to put my own toothpaste, and lots of it, on my own toothbrush
– being scared of monsters
– not being able to drink wine (Mama seems to think it’s pretty awesome)
I’m back with my second episode. Today’s show is about money, which I know a little something about from my jobs as store owner, dishwasher, and chef. My store mainly sells jewelry, magnetic letters and numbers, and hair accessories, and most of the time, we will give you your money back with purchase (it’s a complicated business model, you wouldn’t understand). My dishwasher job pays “one hour” (again, don’t ask), and the specialities in my restaurant are sushi soup and mushroom with bologna. I usually wear a princess dress to work and loudly pronounce, “I’m going to work! I’ll be home by 6!”, because that’s what businesswomen do. (Right, mama? Right?)
A very special thank you to Mr. Holloway, who composed my theme song. I like it almost as much as Brass Monkey!
Anyway, you’re welcome for this financial advice.
Oh so Bert gets a show and I don’t? Not on my watch! Bert already gets to eat the gummi bear vitamins and hogs all the bath crayons and face forward in the car.
Here’s my show. Don’t call it a spinoff. I’m not the Joey to her Friends; I’m not the Lisa Bonet to her Keshia Knight-Pulliam. How do I know these references? Don’t worry about it.
Instead, watch “Ask George” and admit it’s just as good, if not better than “Ask Hazy”.
In which Hazy (aka, Bert) answers your most important questions, such as, “Which is a better cereal: Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs?”.
Special thanks to Joseph Holloway for the show idea and submitting this great question. Special apologies to Joseph Holloway if producers got his question wrong because said producers were too lazy to look back in the Facebook archives.