Hazelbert: A Fashion Retrospective


  If I am an artist (and I am), this is my palette.

Below, I will share with you some of my recent sartorial maneuvers. 


This skirt is my favorite article of clothing. I call it my “ballerina skirt” and if I could, I’d wear it every day. That’s my Hello Kitty shirt and the shoes my Jamie, Uncle Marco, and Cassidy got for me. I told Mama those pants didn’t match, but she insisted they did. Stripes would have matched better; everyone knows that. Everyone but Mama.

Here I’m wearing my skater sweatshirt, which I never wear, but somehow Mama cajoled me into it. The important thing here is the accessories. That’s a bracelet I’m wearing as a headband. Mind blown? You’re welcome.

We were away for the weekend. Mama packed me 3 dresses but no leggings. Sometimes fashion mistakes turn into fashion victories. This time, I’m wearing a headband as a headband.

I picked out Duke’s and my outfit on this day. If you can’t read them, his shirt says, “I heart my sister” and mine says, “I’m the big sister”. In case there was any confusion as to whom Duke loves. Me, if you were still unsure. Also, those are my heart pants.

I have a pink Hello Kitty raincoat that I begged for for my birthday, but I still like to wear my ducky raincoat sometimes. I think it was a no-brainer with my flapper hat, striped leggings, and frog boots, n’est ce pas? The kid that isn’t me and doesn’t have a flapper hat is my friend, Lucas.

I believe layering is key when it comes to accessories. Mama calls me Mr. T when I do this, but I don’t know who that is, so I pity the fool who mentions him. (See what I did there?) You can’t see it under my layered accessories, but my shirt says Brooklyn, which is the name of my on-again off-again boyfriend from school. We’re off again. He knows what he did.

This is my princess dress. Mama doesn’t let me wear it out of the house (or I guess, beyond the front gate). Probably jealous. It wasn’t an intentional Disney reference with the boots, but kudos to you if you picked up on that.

What do you think of my fashion choices? Tell us in the comments section!*


*Note: I don’t actually give a poop what you think; but that’s how people usually end this type of fashion column, so I thought it sounded good. Other note: I do want comments though.


The Rule


Yesterday, we were on the road from Uncle Rylan’s farm, when we stopped at Old McDonald’s for a snack. Mama was doling out the food and she handed me some french fries. Mama, I ask her, you have any chicken? She says, I don’t have any, baby. So I say, chicken goes with french fries, that’s the rule.

Because that’s the rule!

That’s all for now.

– Bert

7-month olds don’t “do” photoshoots, Mama

Every month I turn a month older, and every month, Mama stages a photoshoot. Same brown chair, same crude crayon sign, same cupcake that she ends up eating herself because I “don’t have teeth”. Well guess who decided to mix things up this time? Hint: he’s wearing a drool splattered rock ‘n roll shirt. 

Chair – drooled upon. Sign – crumpled and eaten. Cupcake – smashed with hand. And yeah, that’s a clip on tie. What?

– Duke

Things That Make Me Cry


  • Being told I’m not getting a goodie bag (pictured below)Image
    • Not being able to put my own toothpaste on my toothbrush
    • Not being able to pick out my own shoes
    • Duke letting go of my hand in the car
    • Mama telling me she’s the boss
    • Time outs
    • Getting shushed
    • Being told I can’t wear something because it’s too big/small/lightweight/warm
    • My Twilight Turtle™ turning off (which it does automatically after 45 minutes)
    • Not being able to try the potty for the 4th time in 10 minutes
    • Not getting a granola bar/cheese stick/apple bar when I want one
    • Dada unwrapping the cheese stick when I wanted to unwrap it
    • Being told it’s dinner time
    • Having to leave the playground
    • Not being able to pick out my own Pull Up
    • Not being able to use my spiral art paint set
    • Having my shampoo rinsed off
    • Being told I have to eat one bite of a new food before I can have Wagon Wheels
    • Not being able to hear The Fish Song or the Candle Song in the car
    • Not being able to use Mama’s cell phone
    • Having to take a nap when I don’t want to
    • Being told I wasn’t a good listener
    • Not getting to wear the jacket I wanted to wear
    • Not being able to wear flip flops any time I want

– Bert