I’m officially a tween.

I guess I’m supposed to be rolling my eyes more now? To be honest, being 11 doesn’t feel that different than being 10. I still have the same best friends, favorite foods, and favorite movie. (This is an affront, btw, Rotten Tomatoes.) I don’t go around yelling, “I hate you! I wish I’d never been born!” to my mom* and I’m not embarrassed to hold either parent’s hand.

Of course, some things have changed. Here’s a breakdown, complete with visual aids.

Every year (except for when I was 4 and she was a total hot mess), my mom asks me how great my life is on a scale of 1-10. This year, I’m at a solid 8 3/4, but I guess I’ve had better years. Namely, when I was 7, but then again, I also said farting was the meaning of life at that age. Of course, I’ve also had worse. Let’s not even get into age 5 when life was “so bad” that it only rated a 1-2 by George’s estimates.

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Is it bad to peak at age 7? (chart not too scale)

My taste in music remains eclectic. I wonder how many other playlists include the Mickey Mouse Club and the Misfits?

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I’ve had a lot of career goals over the years. The most consistent ones are dentist and teacher, but I think worm still has real potential. It’d certainly be an easier life than cleaning lady or astronaut.

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Already checked “Big Kid” off the list.

Congrats to Wontons and Tofu & Rice for being 4-peat champions in my favorite foods category. download (3)

Not that much has happened since mom was embarrassingly late with my 10-year old update, unless you count being stranded with my family 24/7 due to COVID-19. (Mom and Dad are doing their best though.)  I’m really bummed about not being to play soccer or have a real birthday party, but other than that, not too much has changed.

I still had a pretty good birthday, all things considering.

Without further ado, here’s me at age 11:

I hope you enjoyed the special guest appearance by the second funniest person in our house.

Yours in tweendom,

Bert (Hazel)

 

*as of press time

8 is Great

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. It’s me, George (Duke). I’m 8 now. Yes, you read that correctly. You might remember me from such posts as Life as a 7-year Old (I’m the 7-year old) and Guess Who’s Six (spoiler alert, it was me). You probably can’t imagine, but I was once just a naive little kid.

How do I compare to Hazy when she was 8?

Anyway, here’s a little update on 8-year old me:

If you think I’ve grown out of my cheese addiction, 1) you clearly haven’t met my mother, and 2) you’re wrong. I eat shredder cheddar every day and I have almost made a grown man cry with that “tell me when to stop” game with the parmesan at restaurants.

I still like Titanic. I’m also experiencing a Star Wars renaissance. Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars movie. Don’t @ me. My mom already tried the whole “the original trilogy is the best” thing and I disagree, mainly because I don’t know what she means by “original” or “trilogy.” The funniest movie I’ve ever seen is Jumangi: Welcome to the Jungle. The second funniest movie I’ve ever seen is Jumangi: The Next Level. Keep in mind, the bar was set by Paul Blart.

I’m super into hockey, soccer, baseball, and Gaga Ball, which has nothing to do with Lady Gaga except that both can get pretty intense. One time, I jammed a finger pretty bad! #badromance

I’m also really into reading. I read the Dog Man books by Dav Pilkey almost every day, and I’m working on reading the Harry Potter books. My mom and I have invented a dog version of Harry Potter (Dogwarts, of course) and we’re open to new character names besides Albus Doggledore and Rubeus Dogrid. I was pretty psyched to find out I’m a Gryffindor, especially with parents from Ravenclaw and Slytherin (you figure out which is which).

I enjoy jokes (especially puns and knock knocks), laughing, and the occasional cry. Mom said it’s okay to cry when you’re sad, which I remind her about all the time, as she and Dad seem to have a different idea of what “sad” means than I do. Sure, the death of a loved one is sad, but so is not being able to have candy when you want it.

I collect quarters from different states. I love my dog, Rosie. I like cheese. Did I mention that already?

Dou-ble Di-gits!

That’s right, peeps, I’m 10. Technically, I’ve been 10 for about 7 months now, but who’s counting? (I AM, MAMA. I AM.) Apparently, my mom’s been too “busy” to edit my annual interview in an even remotely timely manner, so here it is before I’m 20 and applying to dental/space school:

 

I’ve really grown up since the days I wanted to be a lion or a fairy, and thought farts were the funniest thing in the world. Wait, scratch that last part. In the meantime, here’s what’s been going on with me since you last heard from me.

I’ve played two seasons of soccer, one with the Bobcats where we finished first in the league, and one with the Tigers where we came in last-ish. I had a blast both times.

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I think I’m pretty good, or at least I look like I am, thanks to my cousin Ryan, semi-pro photographer.

George and I have been playing hockey every Saturday. We spend most of our time fighting on the ice. I can’t wait until we learn how to check.

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I help him secure his helmet so I can ring his bell guilt-free on the ice.

I got to go to Florida to visit my grandparents, Oma & Oma, and again to visit my adopted grandma, Grammy Lynn. We discovered kids’ rosé in Florida so now I can be just like Mom.

 

We also got to watch my cousin Cassidy graduate from college.

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Does my cousin look like Daenerys Targaryen? Sure, but she’s way more badass, I assure you.

Some lady named Oprah spoke at her graduation ceremony and Mama was all, “OMGGGGGG,” but I’m pretty sure this Oprah chick wasn’t in any of the Descendants movies nor is married to a Jo Bro, so whatever.

And as the pièce de résistance, which I believe is French for “Greek piece of resistance” is that I got to go on my first overseas trip this year when we went to Greece. I tried octopus (didn’t like) and fried cheese (very much like) and learned to say please and thank you in Greek.

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I also went to my very first wedding (not mine, obvi) while in Greece.

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Mom says to always wear a fascinator to a wedding. #lifelessons

While I didn’t spend as much time on ending slavery this year, I did start PEP (the Panda Extinction Project) at my after-school program.

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BTW, we’re ANTI panda extinction, in case there’s any confusion.

I’ve been really into fashion, science, and reading this year. I walked in a runway show (unofficially), made my own robotic grabber hand, and read a ton of books. My favorite authors are Reina Talgameier, JK Rowling, and Rick Riordan.

 

I’ve been really into both cooking and baking. I’ve been feeling pretty confident about my cooking skills ever since I beat my mom in a tofu & rice cook off. (Big thanks to the totally impartial judges, Dad and George.) As for baking, I just like that you get to eat what you make. Activity + built in snack = win/win.

 

I keep trying to get my parents to fund my business, Sweet Tooth Bakery, but so far, it’s a no-go. I helped frost one of my birthday cakes and baked the other one all by myself. (Venture capitalists, please see photos below and contact me with any offers.)

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A Hazel O’Rourke original

 

Overall, life is pretty, pretty, pretty good. An 8 3/4 out of 10 to be exact.

 

Until my next post, when I’m around 11 3/4 years old if my estimates are accurate,

Hazy (Bert)

Life as a 7-year old

Hello, my long lost friends. It’s me, George (formerly Duke). Last October (seriously, Mama?), I turned 7. And even though technically, I’m closer to 8 now (I mean, really, Mama), this post is about my 7-year old milestones.

Here are some exciting developments in my life:

  • I’ve lost a bunch more teeth. A couple the normal way, one via head butt (not self-inflicted, cough cough, Hazy), and one via basketball to the face. And guess what? The Tooth Fairy doesn’t give you extra for forced tooth losses. I mean, what the? Check yourself before you wrickety-wreck yourself, TF.
  • I’m over Star Wars. Titanic is the new Star Wars. The night I saw Titanic, I also lost a tooth, and it was the best night of my life. I have a Titanic model, Titanic tickets, a replica Titanic menu, and I’ve asked for Titanic Legos, but Mama claims they don’t make them, at least not for less than $2,000. Worth it.
  • Way back in October when I filmed my interview, I had a different favorite movie. Spoiler alert: it’s Paul Blart Mall Cop. I know what you’re thinking, Paul Blart Mall Cop II is arguably better. But what can I say? I’m a stickler for the original.
  • I now play soccer, baseball, and hockey. I think I’m pretty great at all of them. Dad says I need to practice, but I reminded him that Mama already said I’m good, so I’m good. Also, I beat Mama at H.O.R.S.E. more than half the time, and I’m pretty sure she’s actually trying.
  • I’ve also been working on my cooking.

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    If you liked Opa Eggs™, you’ll love Designer Impostors George Eggs.

  • I’ve been getting into dancing, mostly hip hop. I can floss, I can dab, I can do other moves you (my mom) don’t even know the names of. Did you know there are over a dozen instrumental versions of Justin Timberlake’s SexyBack? My Spotify does!
  • I’m really into reading. I’ve even been known to quote literature. And by literature, I mean Dog Man books.
  • Some things haven’t changed. I’m still very strongly Team Cheese, and I’m still pro-tablet and office supplies. 

Here’s a little taste of my 7-year old wisdom, including the meaning of life, a hilarious flag anecdote, and a glimpse of some of my favorite things.

Pretty mature, eh? Wonder what this little guy would think of me now.

Thanks for reading/watching!

-George (formerly Duke)

Oh, Hello

It’s been a while. Quite a while. It’s me, Bert. I’ve been busy, guys. I know, I know, too busy to write on your own blog, Haze? Here’s what I’ve been up to since June 3, 2017 when you last heard from me (What? Enough with the judging.)

  • Spent another glorious summer at home with my Mom and Duke, aka George.
  • Lost a bunch of teeth. Including one that I pulled out myself so George wouldn’t be the only one who got a visit from the tooth fairy.

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    Helped this tooth “get lost,” if you know what I mean.

  • Got a bug bite that swelled up my whole face so much that my Dad couldn’t look at me without crying. He previously hadn’t cried since the Sox won the World Series in 2007 (and before that in 2004).
  • Got a dog/sister! Her name is Rosie and we are in love.

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    She annoys me way less than George does and that’s with her peeing on my rug sometimes.

  • Tackled third grade, and if you don’t remember third grade, the girls are a combination of Regina George, the pre-Torrance cheer captain from Bring It On, and the Heathers.

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    Fortunately, I didn’t have to murder anyone.

  • Went to my first concert (Katy Perry) and my second (Taylor Swift). I haven’t taken sides on their feud yet.
  • Discovered Elvis. Don’t think Dad will be able to get us tickets though.
  • Got super into Harry Potter.

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    Costumus awesomus, am I right?

  • Won a spelling bee, NBD.
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W-I-N-N-E-R

  • Threw myself into soccer. The JP Lynx could best be described as un-undefeated.
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But we did it in style.

  • Learned to snowboard with Duke.
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Or at least learned to look like snowboarders.

  • Marched in my first (anti gun violence) and second (anti family separation) protest march. 

    And a whole lot of other stuff, like advanced level math, writing two books (look out for the Lonely Book in bookstores in the toy pit), trying to put George in his place, and opening up several pop up restaurants and toy stores within Jamaica Plain (mostly specifically in my house).

 

So without further ado, and even though I’m practically 9 1/2, here’s my 6th (!) annual interview with mom:

 

I think you’ll see I’ve grown up quite a bit since I wanted to be a worm.

Remember to work on being happy and to end slavery (now) –

-Bert

 

 

 

Guess Who’s Six?

Guys, it’s been over a year since I turned 5, and you know what that means: cheese! (I celebrate everything with cheese; see the tablecloth for evidence.) Also, it means I just turned 6. And by “just,” I mean two and a half months ago because my ghost writer is slower than me putting on my shoes on a weekday morning.

Anyway, I’ve really matured as a young man, as you can see by this year’s interview:

 

Just kidding, I’m 6, guys. Here are a few things I feel pretty strongly about:

Pants. I know I’ve asked this before, but why do we have to wear them?

Star Wars. If the Imperial March isn’t the soundtrack to your life, then maybe you need to reexamine things. Think of how much more powerful you’d feel coloring, playing with Legos, jumping off the third stair, or (not) brushing your teeth with “Dun dun dun dun-ta dun, dun-ta DUN!” playing in the background. You’d probably be president by now instead of Dumbhead McPoopypants. Besides Star Wars’ music, I also like light sabers, my mini Darth Vader, Star Wars books (I can “read” Star Wars Rebels without even looking at the pages), and Star Wars themed foods, even though Mama insists they taste the same as their non-Star Wars themed equivalents.

Cheese. You know when the server at a restaurant is grating parmesan on your pasta and asks you to tell them when to stop? I STILL HAVEN’T TOLD THEM TO STOP.

Rosie. Rosie’s my dog and she’s the CUTEST. You have to say “CUTEST” in your highest voice because that’s how we talk about Rosie. She likes giving me kisses, right on the mouth. She also likes when I shriek, “ROSIEEEEEE!” and listening to the Imperial March, or at least, she hasn’t said otherwise.

Post Its. This is the #1 item on the Christmas wish list I sent to Santa. That and paper and tape. I like writing love letters (really short ones), drawing pictures (really small ones) and making books (really hard to read ones) on them.

Tablet Time. Tablet time is everything. I play Subway Surfer, Rolling Ball, and Candy Crush Saga. You know, educational games. Mama makes me read before I can have Tablet Time, so now I am pretty much Doogie Howser, only instead of being a doctor, I’ll be a Jedi, because all I read are Star Wars books. I have a Kindle but Hazy has a Leapfrog so she’s jealous, which is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

– Duke (George)

p.s. It’s me. I’m six.

p.p.s. Here’s what I was like when I was a little 4-year old.

p.p.p.s. And look at this drooling baby 3-year old me.

 

Guys, I’m 11/12ths away from being 9.

That is to say, Mama took her sweet time editing my 8-year old interview. But nonetheless, I did indeed turn 8.

Lots of big changes this year [caution: spoilers] vs my 7-year old video:

  • Last year’s best friend (Mama) didn’t even make the top 4 this year. I’m pretty sure she took so long to edit this video out of protest.
  • Marriage is off the table.
  • Life went from a 5,000 on a 1-10 scale to a 2. Sorry, but times are tough when you’re a crab with a mic-hog for a brother.

Some things never change though. I’m still rocking out to Under The Sea (shoutout to my hot crustacean band!) and someone (cough, cough, Georgie) keeps trying to steal the spotlight, perhaps in retaliation for this video.

See what else is new in the full interview video:

If you want to reminisce (and believe me, you do), here’s what I was like when I was really little but thought I was big, when I had arguably better taste in music, or when I had decidedly worse taste in jokes.

Special thanks again to Mama’s friend Alyson, who had the idea to interview me every year on (around) my birthday.

25 Things You Didn’t Know about 5-year Old Me

  1. I like to wear things on my head (underwear, a colander, my Spiderman ski mask in 60-degree weather), but I prefer not to wear pants.
  2. I want to be a pilot or a chef when I grow up. If I become a chef, my restaurant will be called Mr. Bum Bum Head.

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    You don’t want to know what’s on the menu at MBBH.

  3. I love fruit and can eat unlimited amounts of it. I once ate three peaches, a plum, and a quart of strawberries before 11 am. The only vegetable I really like is cucumber, which is… a fruit.
  4. I talk or sing to myself every night for about an hour before going to sleep. I hope someone’s enjoying my Bohemian Rhapsody on the baby monitor.
  5. People say I look just like my dad, but I don’t know.

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    I’m the one in the back.

  6. I love my Mama and I tell her so all the time. Sometimes I also fall in love with other people, like the lady on the T platform whom I told, “Guess what? I love you.” I never did get her number.
  7. I can tell the difference between the orange line and the commuter rail by the sound they make.
  8. I LOVE BUBBLES like you wouldn’t believe.

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    Oh my god, BUBBLES!!!!!

  9. I also love school, after-school, mac & cheese, LEGOs, trains, gum, doggies, walkie talkies, baths, trampolines, bounce houses, ice cream, and cleaning toilets. I would clean the toilets every day if Mama would let me.
  10. I worship my big sister.

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    I mean, how cool is she?

  11. I don’t like pizza, but I love cheese, especially shredder cheddar. On average, cheese is a part of at least two meals a day for me.
  12. I’ll always tell you the truth. Just the other day, I told mama and her friends that they didn’t look very good.
  13. I can hula hoop like a boss.
  14. I can ride my scooter for 1-2 blocks before crying about how I hate my scooter and scootering.
  15. I’m up for anything. If you tell me to pull a snowy branch over my head, I’ll pull that branch. If you tell me to try Opa’s “special ketchup”, I’ll try it. If you tell me to walk more than a quarter mile, I’ll whine until you break.
  16. I am the happiest guy you know.
  17. I’m also the messiest guy you know.

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    There was a puddle.

  18.  My catchphrases include, “No, really…” (even if no one’s disputing what I said), “First of all…” (there’s never a second of all), and “I had a blast!”
  19. I’m a creature of habit. I like to read the same book every night (The Gingerbread Man Loose in the School), eat the same breakfast every day (yogurt with berries and a side of shredder cheddar), and listen to the same songs over and over (Shut Up and Dance, Can’t Stop the Feeling, Uptown Funk).

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    On your birthday, you get two kinds of yogurt with berries!

  20. I can build a train station out of almost anything.
  21. I can’t blow my nose.
  22. I was named after my paternal grandfather (George) and my maternal great-grandfather (Tse Fu). I was Duke for a little while, but it didn’t stick. Hazy came up with Georgie Burgles and it did. I also go by G$, Gigi, Georgie and Jeege.
  23. I like having Bros’ Night with my dad.
  24. I have strange obsessions, like this cupcake-shaped kitchen timer that I got at Boomerang’s. Dada broke it (by accident), and I ask him all the time to find me a new one. Also, I don’t like it when you don’t put the cap back on things.

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    If you find this, I’ll give you all my money ($5.75) for it.

  25. First of all, I had a blast today. No, really!

Special bonus fun facts are in my 5-year interview video below:

This is the third video in this series. You can compare my answers at age 4 and age 3.

– Duke

Happy Farter’s Day, Dada!

There are a lot of great fathers out there, but we’ve got a clear favorite: he’s the seven time winner of #1 Dad, the World’s Best Farter & Father, our very own…DADA!

We got the band back together (literally) for one last time, Dada, to perform our new hit single, Farter’s Day. Happy Farter’s, we mean, Father’s Day, Dada.

xoxo,

Hazelbert (Bert) & Georgie Burgles (Duke)

The Rumors Are True (I’m 7.)

I’m so old, I didn’t even have a bounce house party this year. I had a spy party, and my secret agent name was Chief Agent and Georgie’s was Agent Junior and we talked on walkie talkies and saved Princess BooBooButt’s royal jewels.

Here’s some other stuff that I do now that I’m 7:

  • I read chapter books, like Stink and the Incredible Super-Galactic Jawbreaker.
  • I play on a big kid soccer team with real games and everything, and I take it pretty seriously, unlike some people (cough, cough, Navy Blueberries).
  • I’m more sensible now. That’s why I want to be an accountant (thanks, Game of Life!) instead of a lion.
  • I chew gum, but very, very quietly because Mama has misophonia.
  • I’ve got a better toy than dada now.
  • I have a job and I make $7/week (I got a raise!).
  • I grumble about my job a lot, mostly the bathroom cleaning part and the table setting part.
  • My life may not be a consistent 10 out of 10 anymore, instead it ranges from -55 to 18,000-million.

For more, see my latest video: