It’s hard to believe there was ever a Bert without Duke, but there was. For like two and a half years! I asked Mama where Duke came from last night; she said he came from her belly. Sometimes she’s so silly.
Anyway, I kind of remember life before Duke. It was kind of lonely and there was no one for me to boss around (besides Beatz), but there were a few perks:
Beatz was the only other kid, and we all know she doesn’t get any attention.
It seems like Mama put more effort into my outfits.
Guys, we don’t want to brag, but we’re pretty good at the beach. We get sand in places you didn’t even know about. We put more sunblock on than anyone wanted to or needed. We find stuff, like rocks, snails, … Continue reading →
IT ONLY COSTS $4 TO HAVE THE GREATEST FUN OF YOUR LIFE
Today I want to talk to you about whoopee cushions, or as I call them, fart cushions. Fart cushions are the greatest thing ever invented. They are the cause of the greatest joy that you will ever know in your 21 months of life.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
But they’re not all fun and games. Let’s say you’ve spent two straight hours yelling, “Fart!” and laughing hysterically, attempting to sit on the fart cushion, pushing it on your head, pressing it against your belly, stepping on it, and dare I say, stomping on it. Let’s say you stomped on it a little too hard. And by a little too hard, I mean so hard that you tore it a new fart hole. And despite what you may have thought/hoped, having a new fart hole does not make it fart louder. Instead, it makes the fart cushion not. fart. at all. Then, all of a sudden, the fart cushion is not as great as you thought it was. It’s the crusher of all your hopes and dreams (of farts), the Oliver to your Brady Bunch, the Speidi to your Lauren, the unironic ra-ay-ay-in on your wedding day. The fart cushion is the worst thing in the entire world.
Exhibit 1:
WHY?
Exhibit 2:
WHYYYY?!
Exhibit 3:
WHY GOD WHYYYY?!
Some say I farted too much, too hard. But it is better to have farted once than to have never farted at all.
Bert & Duke 