Bert’s 14 (and a half plus some)

Posted on November 27, 2023 by bertandorduke

At the wise old age of 14 (and a half), I’ve learned a lot of things. I know how to make a mean cheesecake, how to memorize various Latin declensions, and that my mom gets later with publishing these interviews every year. This year, she’s broken her own record. I”m now closer to 15 than 14 (my half birthday was last month, thank you for the well wishes), and she’s just getting around to this.

So, let’s get to it. Here it is, my official 14th birthday interview.

Even this interview was late

ICYMI, here’s what I was like 10 years ago when I thought I knew it all.

And here’s a little sprinkling of me in my 14th year. I love my family, my dogs, pretty much all sports (except running – despite a brief, regretful, season on the BLA track team), baking, organizing and watching organizing videos on YouTube, joking around, and being cool. Way back when I actually turned 14, I was in eighth grade, played on two soccer teams (school and neighborhood) and one hockey team, and ran in the aforementioned track season. My special skills include baking, having the only clean room in the house, rotating my elbows 360°, scoring soccer goals, and making my mom laugh.

xoxo,

Bert

Bert, the Teenage Years

Posted on July 1, 2022 by bertandorduke

Welp, I’m officially a teenager. You will be surprised (relieved) to know that I still don’t roll my eyes that much or yell, “I wish I’d never been born!” at my parents. I know my parents are.

Here’s my 11th annual birthday interview:

I’ve been doing these interviews for 10 years now. Here’s my first one.

Here’s what my life is like now:

I get up at 5:45 every weekday morning. That gives me just enough time to get dressed, do my hair, empty half the dishwasher, eat breakfast, and brush my teeth before my dad drives me to school at 6:40.
I don’t make my bed, mainly because it’s a loft bed but also because “nobody sees it.”
I still play hockey and soccer (two teams) and love them both. I do not like running.
When it comes to eating, I’m generally more like my dad (eat to live) versus my mom (live to eat), except when it comes to my Opa’s cooking, in which case I can and will eat as much as he’s willing to make.
I started at Boston Latin Academy, one of the top ranked middle/high schools in Massachusetts this fall. At first, I didn’t totally dig it, but now I really like it. I’ve made a bunch of new friends there, plus I’m lucky my old friends Evie, Beatrix, and Anjuli are all there with me. I earned all A’s and A+’s this year. My mom says nerds are cool so there’s that.
I love Latin and Math class the best.
I can whistle loudly enough to be heard across a crowded soccer field.
My Spotify mix, HAZY: The Complete Record, is 27 hours and 51 minutes long. It has everything from Dua Lipa to AC/DC, Ace of Base to Weird Al Yankovic.
I’m learning to play piano and recently learned “A Spoonful of Sugar” because my Dad is a Mary Poppins superfan.
I love dogs, especially mine, and keep begging my mom to let us adopt a third dog, preferably a puppy.
I spend my weekends watching movies with my family, playing sports or watching George play, playing Minecraft or Roblox on my laptop, or at the occasional bat mitzvah or birthday party.
This summer, I’ll go to day camp at this sweet place in Dedham that has a water park and laser tag, a week at hockey camp at Warrior Arena (where the Bruins practice!), a week at soccer camp, and a week in Colorado with my mom, visiting my Uncle Marco and Auntie Jamie.
In the fall, I”ll start 8th grade. Gulp.

-Hazel (Bert)

I’m 12 (and a 1/4)!

Posted on July 26, 2021 by bertandorduke

Another year of tweendom, another year in this pandemic. Sigh. This was my second year missing out on a real birthday party and believe you me, I am saving up all my party karma for an epic double birthday bash the second this trash pandemic is over. We’re talking an epic dance-slumber-bounce house-sundae bar-baking party.

I still turned a year older, and you know what that means, it’s annual interview time. I indulged my mom with this interview even though it’s totally embarrassing and I hate the sound of my own voice.

I do it for posterity.

I guess I’ve grown since my first annual interview:

Here’s a snapshot of me at age 12:

I love my family: girls’ nights with my mom, making album covers (if not actual albums) with my dad, and cracking up with George (Duke). I try to do little acts of kindness for them all the time, like making my mom tea or bringing her snacks, helping my dad clean out the closet, and helping George settle down when he’s upset about something.

Speaking of family, I love my dogs and they love me. I’m in charge of feeding them dinner every night and making them pup-mobiles.

I love sports, especially soccer, tennis, hockey and snowboarding. I didn’t get much snowboarding done this year (thanks, Covid), but I played JP Youth Soccer on the Firefox team, play tennis with the Tenacity program, and got back into skills & drills this year with Brookline Hockey.

My hobbies include cooking, baking, and fashion. I integrate them into my businesses: Loop to Loop accessories and Sweet Tooth Bakery. (Prices available upon request.)

I also like hanging with my friends, drinking kid wine straight from the bottle, Maine life, activism and winning giant checks.

It was a rough school year. I didn’t go back to in-person school until pretty much my 12th birthday at the end of April, but I did crush it nonetheless, getting all A’s and A+’s the last two terms.

This year, I learned piano, got a second dog, and got to go to Maine for two awesome vacations. I ran home to get help when my dad got stung by an army of bees and took care of my mom and brother when he had to get triple bypass surgery. I made Chinese bao, my Oma’s famous strawberry roll, a classic New York cheesecake, and a really bad TNT cake for George. I spent basically an entire year hanging out with just my mom, dad and George. It was a crazy year and I’m ready to see what the next one brings.

Yours,

Hazel (Bert)

I’m officially a tween.

Posted on May 12, 2020 by bertandorduke

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I guess I’m supposed to be rolling my eyes more now? To be honest, being 11 doesn’t feel that different than being 10. I still have the same best friends, favorite foods, and favorite movie. (This is an affront, btw, Rotten Tomatoes.) I don’t go around yelling, “I hate you! I wish I’d never been born!” to my mom* and I’m not embarrassed to hold either parent’s hand.

Of course, some things have changed. Here’s a breakdown, complete with visual aids.

Every year (except for when I was 4 and she was a total hot mess), my mom asks me how great my life is on a scale of 1-10. This year, I’m at a solid 8 3/4, but I guess I’ve had better years. Namely, when I was 7, but then again, I also said farting was the meaning of life at that age. Of course, I’ve also had worse. Let’s not even get into age 5 when life was “so bad” that it only rated a 1-2 by George’s estimates.

Is it bad to peak at age 7? (chart not too scale)

My taste in music remains eclectic. I wonder how many other playlists include the Mickey Mouse Club and the Misfits?

I’ve had a lot of career goals over the years. The most consistent ones are dentist and teacher, but I think worm still has real potential. It’d certainly be an easier life than cleaning lady or astronaut.

Already checked “Big Kid” off the list.

Congrats to Wontons and Tofu & Rice for being 4-peat champions in my favorite foods category.

Not that much has happened since mom was embarrassingly late with my 10-year old update, unless you count being stranded with my family 24/7 due to COVID-19. (Mom and Dad are doing their best though.) I’m really bummed about not being to play soccer or have a real birthday party, but other than that, not too much has changed.

I still had a pretty good birthday, all things considering.

Without further ado, here’s me at age 11:

I hope you enjoyed the special guest appearance by the second funniest person in our house.

Yours in tweendom,

Bert (Hazel)

*as of press time

Dou-ble Di-gits!

Posted on December 2, 2019 by bertandorduke

That’s right, peeps, I’m 10. Technically, I’ve been 10 for about 7 months now, but who’s counting? (I AM, MAMA. I AM.) Apparently, my mom’s been too “busy” to edit my annual interview in an even remotely timely manner, so here it is before I’m 20 and applying to dental/space school:

I’ve really grown up since the days I wanted to be a lion or a fairy, and thought farts were the funniest thing in the world. Wait, scratch that last part. In the meantime, here’s what’s been going on with me since you last heard from me.

I’ve played two seasons of soccer, one with the Bobcats where we finished first in the league, and one with the Tigers where we came in last-ish. I had a blast both times.

I think I’m pretty good, or at least I look like I am, thanks to my cousin Ryan, semi-pro photographer.

George and I have been playing hockey every Saturday. We spend most of our time fighting on the ice. I can’t wait until we learn how to check.

I help him secure his helmet so I can ring his bell guilt-free on the ice.

I got to go to Florida to visit my grandparents, Oma & Oma, and again to visit my adopted grandma, Grammy Lynn. We discovered kids’ rosé in Florida so now I can be just like Mom.

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We also got to watch my cousin Cassidy graduate from college.

Does my cousin look like Daenerys Targaryen? Sure, but she’s way more badass, I assure you.

Some lady named Oprah spoke at her graduation ceremony and Mama was all, “OMGGGGGG,” but I’m pretty sure this Oprah chick wasn’t in any of the Descendants movies nor is married to a Jo Bro, so whatever.

And as the pièce de résistance, which I believe is French for “Greek piece of resistance” is that I got to go on my first overseas trip this year when we went to Greece. I tried octopus (didn’t like) and fried cheese (very much like) and learned to say please and thank you in Greek.

I also went to my very first wedding (not mine, obvi) while in Greece.

Mom says to always wear a fascinator to a wedding. #lifelessons

While I didn’t spend as much time on ending slavery this year, I did start PEP (the Panda Extinction Project) at my after-school program.

BTW, we’re ANTI panda extinction, in case there’s any confusion.

I’ve been really into fashion, science, and reading this year. I walked in a runway show (unofficially), made my own robotic grabber hand, and read a ton of books. My favorite authors are Reina Talgameier, JK Rowling, and Rick Riordan.

I’ve been really into both cooking and baking. I’ve been feeling pretty confident about my cooking skills ever since I beat my mom in a tofu & rice cook off. (Big thanks to the totally impartial judges, Dad and George.) As for baking, I just like that you get to eat what you make. Activity + built in snack = win/win.

I keep trying to get my parents to fund my business, Sweet Tooth Bakery, but so far, it’s a no-go. I helped frost one of my birthday cakes and baked the other one all by myself. (Venture capitalists, please see photos below and contact me with any offers.)

A Hazel O’Rourke original

Overall, life is pretty, pretty, pretty good. An 8 3/4 out of 10 to be exact.

Until my next post, when I’m around 11 3/4 years old if my estimates are accurate,

Hazy (Bert)

Oh, Hello

Posted on August 19, 2018 by bertandorduke

It’s been a while. Quite a while. It’s me, Bert. I’ve been busy, guys. I know, I know, too busy to write on your own blog, Haze? Here’s what I’ve been up to since June 3, 2017 when you last heard from me (What? Enough with the judging.)

Spent another glorious summer at home with my Mom and Duke, aka George.
Lost a bunch of teeth. Including one that I pulled out myself so George wouldn’t be the only one who got a visit from the tooth fairy.
Helped this tooth “get lost,” if you know what I mean.
Got a bug bite that swelled up my whole face so much that my Dad couldn’t look at me without crying. He previously hadn’t cried since the Sox won the World Series in 2007 (and before that in 2004).
Got a dog/sister! Her name is Rosie and we are in love.
She annoys me way less than George does and that’s with her peeing on my rug sometimes.
Tackled third grade, and if you don’t remember third grade, the girls are a combination of Regina George, the pre-Torrance cheer captain from Bring It On, and the Heathers.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to murder anyone.
Went to my first concert (Katy Perry) and my second (Taylor Swift). I haven’t taken sides on their feud yet.
Discovered Elvis. Don’t think Dad will be able to get us tickets though.
Got super into Harry Potter.
Costumus awesomus, am I right?
Won a spelling bee, NBD.

W-I-N-N-E-R

Threw myself into soccer. The JP Lynx could best be described as un-undefeated.

But we did it in style.

Learned to snowboard with Duke.

Or at least learned to look like snowboarders.

Marched in my first (anti gun violence) and second (anti family separation) protest march.

And a whole lot of other stuff, like advanced level math, writing two books (look out for the Lonely Book in bookstores in the toy pit), trying to put George in his place, and opening up several pop up restaurants and toy stores within Jamaica Plain (mostly specifically in my house).

So without further ado, and even though I’m practically 9 1/2, here’s my 6th (!) annual interview with mom:

I think you’ll see I’ve grown up quite a bit since I wanted to be a worm.

Remember to work on being happy and to end slavery (now) –

-Bert

Welcome to The Show

Posted on February 6, 2015 by bertandorduke

What’s The Show, you ask? It’s a performance Duke and I put on pretty much anytime we’re in the Toy Pit for over an hour. The Show involves a lot of prep (costume design, ticket design and construction, ticket line construction, fighting over who gets to cut the tickets and who gets to give them out/collect them, announcing The Show). After our standard announcement, “Ladies & gentleman! Boys & girls of all ages!”, the actual Show usually then takes about 10 seconds, until we realize we have no actual performance prepared. But this last snow day, The Show really came together.
I think the key was having Duke run front-of-house/ticket management and also being somewhat loosy-goosy with the props. A Batman cape? Sure! A jumprope? Alright! A book? Why not? Ball? Toy dog? Pencil? Yes, yes and yes.
See for yourself:

Special thanks to our VIP guests, JD and Victoria. You were a great audience.

Also, I don’t care what Mama says, tights are totally pants.

– Bert

This post is brought to you by the number 5.

Video

Some of you may have gathered from my Mama’s 200 Facebook homages that this past Monday was my 5th birthday. At long last, here’s the third video in my annual birthday interview series.

You can see the previous two here.

Peace up, A-Town.

– Bert

Bert & Duke cover band

Posted on February 13, 2014 by bertandorduke

Did you know we have a cover band? We’ll get back to you on the name. For now, we’re taking suggestions in the comments section.

Here we are warming up:

We perform mostly Disney songs, pop songs, and classics like Cherry Bomb and Brass Monkey. Occasionally/every day, we also sing reggae, specifically Bob Marley. Here’s a taste for ya.

Now technically, this is a kids’ song, but we think Steven (of “Sweet Emotion” fame) could definitely make this into a rock song:

This is kind of a kids’ song because Miley sings it and she’s a kid, and also because it has kiddie lyrics like “la di da di”:

We’ll let you know when our album drops.

– Bert & Duke

Bert & Duke: 2013 The Year in Review

Posted on January 1, 2014 by bertandorduke

Guys,

2013 was a pretty good year. Bert turned 4 with a bouncy house gala and Duke turned 2 in seersucker no less. Here are some of the highlights:

• We survived Hurricane Nemo in February! Bert thought it was fun; Duke did not.

• Also in February, the groundbreaking Ask Hazy Show premiered. Viewers have called it “cute” and “hilarious”, and frankly, are somewhat patronizing. (There are now 11 episodes!)

• Of course, then Duke tried to copy me with the Ask George show, which debuted to dismal ratings. [Duke’s note: we never gave it a chance to catch on with fans!]

• We realized we’re best friends!

• Duke revealed he’s got made skills with the sticks.

• We had our first Very Special Episode of the Ask Hazy show for my friend Sienna.

• We taught kids everywhere how to make life more interesting for their parents. You’re welcome, parents.

• We realized that with our modeling skills, we shouldn’t be getting out of bed for anything less than $10,000 or at least, like, 10 M&M’s.

• We gave some tips for cheering up Miss Dussia-Elliot or people with simpler names.

• We taught a class on dominating musica class.

• Everyone learned, don’t take Bert’s fork.

• We celebrated the best dad (around). Spoiler alert: it’s ours.

• We mourned the loss of a ~~friend~~ fart cushion.

• Bert reminisced to a simpler time, before Duke (!).

• Bert reached semi-international fame, thanks to mommyshorts.

• Duke tried (and failed) with another show. [Duke’s note: Come on!]

• We had a special guest star on the show. And by “the show”, obviously we mean Ask Hazy. [Duke’s note: no, we don’t!]

• Duke explained the deal with the bibs.

• Something beyond horrible happened to Bert.

• Santa came! He failed to bring Halloween shoes or a real robot though.

Happy New Year!